It would seem DeviantArt remains the only place where I can spill out my thoughts in a semi-public manner, without the people I don't want reading this, reading this.

I feel like I am constantly at my breaking point. I've been out in Washington for almost a year now, I like the environment, but I've yet to find friends really. My roommate is another employee from work, and my boyfriend also works at the same place... which means I'm constantly holding a secret back from every single person I work with, minus my roommate. It doesn't seem like much, but it really adds up.

To add to, I am constantly putting in 120% at work, and I'm sick of other people not even doing the minimum. I'm tired of working under people who are not competent enough to do their job, and I have to try and pick up the slack. I'm constantly pushed to my limits, and I feel like my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof. I feel physically ill more than I ever have before, and I am SO tired at the end of the day. My days off just don't seem like enough, and I am constantly playing catch up, constantly feeling like I have to PROVE something to everybody all the time.

And then.. my boyfriend brings up last night that we should both spend time developing outside interests.. which I agree with fully, it's healthy for any relationship, and as much as I hate to admit it, I tend to grow far too dependent when in relationships, but it was just sort of out of nowhere, and he chose to tell me last night while he was hanging out at a friend's house, and choose then not to stay over at my place, then also toss in he'd be busy most of wednesday/today, which is my day off, and so I was looking forward to spending time with him... but on top of constantly raised anxiety and stress levels from work, then this, it just hit me too hard...and I can't seem to stop crying.

I know he doesn't mean for it to come across that way, I know our relationship is still good.. but last night.. and right now, I really want somebody to be here with me, and the fact that I don't have anybody at all to even consider, makes me feel that much more alone and isolated from everybody.

It's like I'm stuck in flight or fight, and I can't seem to get my body to calm down.